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The Mikveh
266419 AN OLD JEWISH MAN WITH A HEAVY YIDDISH ACCENT WENT TO A HOTEL IN LONDON . WHEN HE GOT TO HIS ROOM HE CALLED THE DESK AND ASKED TO BE CONNECTED TO TELEPHONE NUMBER 266419 AFTER ABOUT 15 MINUTES THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR . WHEN HE OPENED IT, THERE STOOD TWO YOUNG , LOVELY GIRLS . "VAT'S DIS ?" , HE ASKED. THEY ANSWERED , "YOU ASKED FOR TWO SHIKSES FOR ONE NIGHT!"
On the Sixth Day On the sixth day, G-d turned to the angel Gabriel.... "On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall be called "Israel". It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known all over the world. I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction, so the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Jews." "Pardon me, Lord", asked Gabriel, "but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?" "Eh, not really.... Wait and see the neighbors I'm giving them."
Shoes and Cokes Two Arabs boarded a shuttle from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our people...this hatred...this animosity...this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Cry for Help Abe is travelling on a bus to Chicago. It's a hot day and everyone on board is quiet and subdued. Suddenly, Abe hears what seems to him to be a cry for help from the back of the bus. He looks to find out who is making the noise and sees that it's an elderly bubbeh. "Oy, am I thirsty," she cries out, "Oy, am I thirsty." This is repeated over and over again every few minutes. "Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty," and each time, there is more and more pain to the bubbeh's voice. This begins to get on Abe's nerves, so he gets the bus driver to stop at the next corner and he goes to get the kvetcher a drink already. When he returns, he goes straight to the bubbeh with a bottle of mineral water and says, "Here grandma, drink up. And then be quiet, will you?" The bubbeh drinks the water, Abe goes back to his seat and the bus continues on its journey. Some passengers begin to nod off again, others start reading their newspapers and the rest are just relieved that the old bubbeh is quiet. All of a sudden they hear from the back of the bus, "Oy, am I hungry. Oy, I m hungry."
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew." - Ben-Gurion
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