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Born Again Penitent A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. I am "Born Again!" However, I still have my old nature. It was not my new nature that did wrong. It was my old nature." The judge responded, "Since it was the old nature that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new nature was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
The Pope and Jerusalem One day G-d called the Pope, and said, "I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions on earth. I have decided there will be only the one true religion." The Pope was overjoyed and told G-d how wise His decision was, then asked, "What's the bad news?" G-d said, "The bad news is that I am calling from Jerusalem."
Mommele's Shirts A Jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son, far away in college: "Oy vey, will he ever find a nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to at least buy and send him two warm flannel shirts. A couple of months later he travels back to New York to see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives erev Shabbat at her door and thinks, "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Surely this will make her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens the door. "Jankel!" "Mammele!" "Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you! So nu -- tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
Chelmite Lockout A citizen of Chelm locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked through the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to open the lock. He shoved the wire through the slightly open window with his wife telling him,"Yitzchok, move it more to the right...more to the left...Higher! Lower!" Finally his wife said, "What's taking you so long?" To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"
Mensa and Salt Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. After a recent Mensa convention, several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..." "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
The Yiddishe Momma's Sons Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their aging mother: AVRAHAM, the first, said, "I built a big house for our mother." MOISHE, the second, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." DAVID, the youngest, said, "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible--Mama just has to name the chapter and verse." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother: "AVRAHAM," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "MOISHE," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain in the tuchas." "But DAVID," she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"
The Provider A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "...Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she certainly deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "And G-d will provide for us." "And the children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?" "Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide. Later that evening the mother asks, "Nu, how did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job, no money, no plans -- but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."
Mother Russia Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian government: Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?" Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia." Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?" Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia." Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?" No reply. Government official asks the question again. And still not reply. Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?" Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew." - Ben-Gurion
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