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The Rabbi's Recommendation
So the Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi.
The Executive Committee met and ne-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life?"
"Simple," answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!).
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The Rabbi's Hat
A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exclaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
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Ethnocentric, nu?
An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he's fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says " You're betraying your heritage and you'll break your mother's heart that you're not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they'll feel the same way and you'll be ostracized in both camps."
The son reassures his father, "Don't worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name." "Really?" says the father. "What name?" The son answers, "Sitting Shiva."
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Don't Make Trouble!
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot.
The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests.
Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago.
The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is mishegoss!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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Jewish Names
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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Einstein Explained
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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A Sign from G-d
A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God. The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol." "
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Clerics in Space
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard. The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
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Jewish Mothers
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
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Terms:
Goy: (n) Non-Jew; outsider; golem; plural = "goyim." Semi-derogatory.
Goyisha: (adj) Gentile; Goyish; "Gentilish"; non-Jewish
Ma'ariv: (n) (Hebrew) Evening prayers
Mincha: (n) (Hebrew) Afternoon prayers
Mishegoss: (n) Craziness; madness; lunacy
Shacharit: (n) (Hebrew) Morning prayers
Sitting Shiva: (phr) (Yiddish) A seven day period of mourning performed when a Jew dies
Yarmulka: (n) (Yiddish) A skullcap worn when attending synagogue services or when reciting Hebrew prayers.
Zayda: (n) (Yiddish) Grandfather.
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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion
Disclaimer / Note: All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.
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